Robert Millet Chosen as Next Apostle (April Fool’s…)

It was an April Fool’s joke, folks! sources from within the COB have confirmed that Robert L. Millet has been chosen by President Monson to fill the recent vacancy in the Quorum of the Twelve. At one level, this move comes as a surprise since those with previous experience as a General Authority are usually chosen.

Along with the apostolic appointment comes the news that the Miracle of Forgiveness will be removed from the Church’s downtown museum display on Spencer W. Kimball, and that all traditional interpretations of 2 Nephi 25:23 will be removed from prior Conference Reports. Sources say that Packer, Nelson, and Oaks, have issued an official apology for not publicly conceding to the doctrinal wisdom of Millet sooner. The apology recognizes that Millet’s already-possessed implicit apostolic authority at BYU has more bearing than decades of explicit apostolic teachings from the pulpit of General Conference, and that Millet was right in this case to reject the consistent counsel of inspired leaders.

Robert D. Hales will be giving a Conference talk formally reversing his recent teaching that we are all sent here to “merit eternal life”, deferring to Millet on the issue, who will give a subsequent talk promoting Stephen Robinson’s book, Believing Christ, which will replace the Miracle of Forgiveness at Church distribution centers. Monson is reportedly excited to have someone on the Quorum who actually thinks at length about doctrine.

Also from these same sources is the word that the First Presidency will be forming a new committee in charge of reconstructing Mormon doctrine all over again. Spearheading the effort will be Blake Ostler, whose correction of Neal Maxwell over the issue of whether God is outside of time earned him respect with the entire Quorum of the Twelve, all of whom admitted to being too busy tending to matters of administration to deal with matters of specific doctrine, relying on more intelligent and inspired lawyers and professors like Ostler and Millet.

Stay tuned for more details. The Salt Lake Tribune momentarily had an article about the news here, but abruptly took it down.

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8 Responses to Robert Millet Chosen as Next Apostle (April Fool’s…)

  1. jackg says:

    This is an April Fool’s joke, right?

  2. How does the saying go Aaron? Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Well, shame on you Aaron! I remember last year’s joke.

    Actually you did not fool me then but it was only because of the comments that were made that I realized it was a joke. The scary part is Millet really could be an apostle.

  3. Free says:

    Well, you fooled me doggone it…you got my hopes up and I was all excited and then I remembered last year : (

    Very funny…

    Blessings to all

  4. Linda says:

    You definitely got me. Good one.

  5. This e-mail was forwarded to me (I’m removing the name);

    I just called Robert Millet and he said that he has not been asked to be an apostle. He had not heard anything about this until I called and said it is just a rumour.

    I see someone actually called Millet to verify. People, it’s April 1st!

    I thought the post was more obvious this time. 🙂

  6. Rick B says:

    I started reading this, and before I finished the sentence I thought, April Fools Joke.

    My wife was reading along and said to me, why is everything gotta be a joke with you. I said, I know these people, how they think and that Aaron tried this last year.

    While I thought Last years Joke was well Done and funny, I remember many were screaming mad at Aaron and most likly have not forgiven him. Me I love a good joke and pull them all the time. Nice try Aaron, but next year try to make it harder. Rick b

  7. mantis mutu says:

    In other news from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints…

    Upon his belated baptism, Bill (William G?) McKeever is called as member of the First Quorum of the Seventies and is immediately elevated to its elite presidency, with Edward (X.) Decker re-baptized and finally recognized as an honorary Seventy Emeritus that “should’ve been.”

    In addition, Sandra (triple X.) Tanner is also re-baptized and narrowly passes a stunning vote to become the latest General Relief Society Secretary. Just hours later a motion is made in a Solemn Assembly to re-consider the priesthood requirement keeping Sister Tanner from attaining her unalterable destiny as General Church Historian. (This coming just weeks after the news of D. Michael Quinn’s refusal of the same honor–in a truly surprising course of events punctuated by Quinn’s bold declaration that he would accept nothing less than the apostleship promised him by the late Spencer W. Kimball.)

    (And not to be slighted, our very own Aaron and Sharon have in the past week been solemnly promised (by virtue of “one of those oaths”) highly lucrative and influential positions on the editorial boards of the Ensign Magazine and the General Church Sunday School, respectively.)

    And in yet even more stunning news…

    The National Association of Evangelical Churches entirely reverses its traditional course when it nearly unanimously recognizes Joseph Smith Jr. as an important and legitimate figure of Christian development in early American history. (What a diplomat Richard Mouw has proven to be in recent years!) In a closing statement the National Association admits…

    “Extent sources unequivocally agree that all Christian bishops that attended the Nicene and Chalcedonian creeds were in no terms ecclesiastically similar to modern Protestants. They were all ecclesiastically Orthodox, and in complete agreement that Christ’s atonement is most essentially attained through the Church’s authoritatively administered sacraments. Consequently, any Protestant who seeks to establish the Trinitarian doctrine of the Nicene and Chalcedonian creeds as an essential aspect of Christianity stands in need of immediate repentance. Indeed, given Joseph Smith’s revolutionary definitions of truth, spirit, matter, and being, his equally revolutionary conception of a God who is “created” within space-time is admittedly at least as compatible with the Bible’s literary demands of a God “without beginning and without end” as the doctrine of Trinity is compatible with the Bible’s plain insistence on Jesus and the Father’s essential distinctiveness, and on their essential sameness with humanity.

    May the Truth found in the name of Jesus Christ–whom we all adore–one day make us all free! And may the horrific ambiguities of Hell not be our first and last witness of Christ’s eternal love and salvation!”

  8. Mike Tea says:

    Absolutely priceless!

    I haven’t laughed so much since I had that septic leg. They were going to chop it off you know but heaven prevailed and I ended up with just a limp, which was just as well since I seemed to spend much of my life running. Those were the days, when men were men and women were mine (well most of them).

    I do enjoy a good joke and I don’t understand how some folk have come to take so seriously the one I started back then. Talk about seeing the serious side of things that don’t have a serious side! That crowd in Carthage didn’t have a sense of humour either. Still, as Emma is always saying, “you can’t please them all Joe, although goodness knows you tried.”

    By the way, why are there so many old guys in charge these days? I don’t remember leaving a bunch of old guys in charge. No wonder the humour has gone out of it. Did you hear the one about the angel, the three witnesses and the church tribunal? Oops, Gotta go. Emma is on the warpath again. Remember guys, admit nothing, deny everything. It worked for me – for a while.

    J Smith

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